How Do I Friend the Shit Out of My Neighbors?


Hi.

So, some of you may have met me via We Hope You Like This Song, the memoir I published in 1942. (Okay, not that long ago, but feels pretty close.) If you read it, or even just skimmed, you're aware friendship is kinda my bread & butter. Scratch that. It's my vodka & soda. 

While I may’ve been screwed by the friendship gods when my childhood bestie died at the age of 25, I won the friendship jackpot in Chicago when I met a flock of ladies that became my everything.

And now I’ve abandoned them all by moving to Iowa.

Don’t get me wrong, I have friends in Iowa. Three of them, in fact. (Plus my kickass sister.) And they are the bees knees, shins, and mandibular. But there’s a different kind of friendship I’m craving. And it comes in the form of (gulp) neighbors.  

Friendships based on convenience have never really been my thing. (Well, except for my entire childhood when I'd literally be friends with anyone who lived in walking distance. You're thinking of that one weird kid right now, aren't you? Tell me about that kid in the comments section, please.) But dammit if I don’t wanna friend the shit out of my neighbors just so I can have barefoot wine with someone at the drop of a hat. (Not the wine brand, Barefoot. Yuck. Like, I want to drink, shoeless.) Basically, I want a Kerri Kenney from the Netflix show, Love. (Fun fact: Paul Rust, creator/star of the aforementioned show, is from Iowa. And I have a massive crush on the dude.)

So you guys...how do you turn that weird, corners-of-the-mouth-arched-down smile you give to familiar faces into a 'let's-have-wine-on-your-deck-in-our-pjs' smile? How do I get them to ask me out? Is there a Tinder for neighbors? Do I have to make pie?

Sidenote: Please don't say I will make friends with people from the neighborhood at school events. It's not that I doubt this fact. It's just that my daughter is 1.5 years old. And gives side-eye like it's her job. We're not out winning people over with our charm just yet.

Furthermore, once you friend a neighbor. What are the rules? I mean, this brand of friendship is a slippery slope. “Drop ins” terrify me. One of my very best friends once knocked on my door in Chicago, unexpectedly. Like an animal. I never regained my composure. She left after the most awkward fifteen minutes of our lives. AND SHE WAS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. 

So, I guess this is a two-part question:
1.     How do you make friends with your neighbors?

2.     How do you keep those neighbors from getting all up in your shit?

Help. Please? I'll get you started:

Dear Bree...

Comments

  1. UnknownJune 22, 2017 at 4:58 PM

    Dear Bree,

    Have you ever heard of a "stranger party". It's not inappropriate, I swear. And, you have the perfect house for it. Start with who you have around; your sister, your daughter, your dog. Sit your sweet little hinders on the front porch, preferably with cocktails, and see what happens. No other invitations can go out. Be friendly to those people passing by and maybe they'll come join you for a moment, or longer. Maybe more people will pass by, they'll stay a while and you'll soon have an actual party on the porch. Maybe you'll make a friend?

    If you're afraid of them being all up in your business, pick another front porch in the neighborhood to use where it looks like the residents may be out of town?

    In regards to keeping them from getting "all up in your shit", my advice is: don't invite them inside. I'm sure that friend of yours has popped by unexpectedly at other times, maybe to carol a Michael Jackson song or to celebrate a birthday? Not all drop ins are bad. Don't swear them all off too soon.

    Friends Forever,
    Billie Jean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownJune 22, 2017 at 8:57 PM

      I like how you turn sitting around doing nothing into a "party." It's probably the #1 reason we're friends. Or maybe it's because you didn't give up on me after the first time you did an impromptu drop in. Or the second time. Or the third. It could also be that we signed up for an ADULT TAP CLASS together when we barely even knew each other. Yeah, it's definitely one of those things.

      PS. I think trespassing (tresporching?) wins. Who wouldn't want to return home to find me all boozed up on their adirondacks? Eating ham. In my bathing suit. Game on!

      Delete
  2. UnknownJune 22, 2017 at 6:24 PM

    I am, likely, the last person to be offering you advice on this topic. Our similarities are a disadvantage here.
    The last time I had any success friending the s*** out of neighbors was 10 years ago. We lived near a field, owned be a local chapter of an electrician union. It was fenced and they allowed the neighborhood to use it as an unofficial dog park. While our dogs chased, wrestled and sniffed one another, we stood and chatted. That led to occasional hangs and beers.
    Since then, I've wanted to friend neighbors, but with little success in any home. The last neighborhood just didn't have anyone with whom we clicked. We are closer to the neighbors in the new hood. Initially, there were fence chats and porch drankin. But, over the year, that has subsided for various reasons.
    Ultimately, I didn't consider it a huge loss either time. It wasn't/isn't an unrequited love thing. The neighbors have all been different and varying, so I'm guessing it's the common denominator. Me. I like people less and less.
    I've rambling and failing as an advice giver. I say, just go for it. Start with, "Hey neighbor, how's it going?" "You like good food and wine?" "Yeah, cool, you should come hang sometime." If they respond well, get number and tell em you'll talk to Eric, then text to arrange details.
    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownJune 22, 2017 at 8:31 PM

      Similar to me? What ever do you mean?

      I like the simplicity of your advice. However, does "You like good food and wine?" imply that I will cook for them? Because...um...yeah, that probably won't happen. Unless they love to murder a Tombstone as much as I do.

      We *are* lucky to have three adorable girls next door. They come over to chat every now and then. I should probably offer them wine. It's cool to give a nine-year-old wine, right? As long as it's *good* wine? Standing by for an answer...

      Delete
    2. UnknownJune 23, 2017 at 11:00 AM

      In response to your admitted culinary shortcomings, I suggest take out apps. Think happy hour with the neighbors to break the ice. Save dinners or all-night binders for later, after you figure out if you like one another. Also, it takes time to establish the comfort level to kick them out, or walk home, when you're ready to crash.
      The other benefit of the happy hour gathering is the kids can play too. The older girls will likely keep Warner occupied. If everyone gets along, kids and adults, eureka! If it becomes a neighbor Love fest, put the kids to bed, order pizza and drink on.
      You may want to steer clear of providing wine to the neighbors kids. I find they're typically lightweights.

      Delete
  3. CourtneeCeeJune 23, 2017 at 2:40 PM

    Making Friends In 10 Easy Steps: The Emmett Carstens Method, as observed by his mother.

    1. Go to outdoor public event.

    2. Find the right group of people nearby (totally counts as neighbors) to run circles around. Literally. Like, actually run in circles around the people.

    3. Identify the coolest looking person in the group. Possibly a man with a cool beard, maybe in a purple t-shirt, preferably a good 40 years your senior.

    4. Trip over something in front of that guy.

    5. Stand up and stare directly into his face. Goofy smile recommended.

    5. Wait for man to initiate high 5.

    6. Reciprocate high 5.

    7. Show him the guitars on your t-shirt.

    8. Run away.

    9. Repeat, minus the tripping.

    10. Become best friends.

    You're welcome.

    ReplyDelete

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